There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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