Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
