I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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