im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
