I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
