Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You can't just leave with hair like that
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Randomize
