he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
