i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
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