based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Success! We fucked roommates!
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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