I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
