Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
