totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
