Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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