five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Randomize
