Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
