you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
