I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
