Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
