If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
it's like iHOP with fire
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
