I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
