turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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