I want to walk on stilts...naked
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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