I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
