theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I want her autograph on my taint
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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