made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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