You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
