The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
