My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
