seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
