Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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