i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
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