At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Send help, water and tortillas.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
