mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
