Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
