i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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