if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
pray to the hookup gods
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
