My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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