She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
