you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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