you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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