Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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