if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Randomize
