This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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