so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
