Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
