I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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