That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
