I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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