She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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