there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
