Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
