I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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